I keep fluctuating between deep betrayal from the past and the promise of the future. At one time those two concepts had nothing in common. Now however they do and all the good feelings that came with the future have turned to expectations of betrayal just waiting around the corner.
How do I purge it???? How do I forget and not in that I must be whole again so I must forgive and willingly let it all go. I mean how do I not remember it anymore? How do I not feel it over and over again? And most importantly how do I stop looking for ways that it's happening, convinced that it will again and again.
Why can't I seem to achieve peace of mind with it and stop wanting to hurt others as I continue to feel hurt?
It's not that it happened...that I can live with. What shreds me emotionally is not understanding it. Yet when I'm given an explanation it's just not good enough because I compare actions against me to what I think I would have done in the situation(s). I know I would have never....ever....never ended up in those situations, so no answer can satisfy me. Most hated words right now? "I don't know."
How does a person not know why they do something? Especially something that will impact everything they swear to hold sacred in their lives? How?
And there it is...the real question that is holding my heart and mind captive.
No one seems to be able to help me through it either. Especially the one I think that should have the answers. I'm told it's not an unwillingness to answer my questions..it's just that it's an unknown reason.
Fact is, someone didn't use the restraint I so admire in myself. They teetered on a line of acceptability and played a game. I want to believe and have been reassured that the line was only danced on and not completely crossed. There is nothing evidenced, but I can't help but I obsess over the unanswered truth.. I torture myself with the questions and my own speculative answers. Nothing based in fact...nothing based in reality.
It makes me continually suspicious. I rehash the past and speculate how it will happen again in the future.
No one seems to be able to help me through it either. Especially the one I think that should have the answers. I'm told it's not an unwillingness to answer my questions..it's just that it's an unknown reason.
Fact is, someone didn't use the restraint I so admire in myself. They teetered on a line of acceptability and played a game. I want to believe and have been reassured that the line was only danced on and not completely crossed. There is nothing evidenced, but I can't help but I obsess over the unanswered truth.. I torture myself with the questions and my own speculative answers. Nothing based in fact...nothing based in reality.
It makes me continually suspicious. I rehash the past and speculate how it will happen again in the future.
At worst....I drown in my own doubt and lash out in hopes of hurting others like the perceived hurt I'm experiencing.
At best.....I wait for the next betrayal and lash out in hope of hurting others like the perceived hurt I'm experiencing.
When I am able to quiet the voice and get in the present...it's the polar opposite.
- Loving...
- craving...
- wanting...
- needing...
- sharing
- digging another person so much it makes your heart sing.
Rollercoasters are thrilling...exciting...and scary.
I guess I didn't realize how low the bounce back was gonna be for getting as high as love makes me.
Jane....get me off this crazy thing.
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